Thanksgiving at the Table of the Eating Disordered

I love cooking, really I do. It's the eating part that makes life difficult. I'm currently working on my vegan, low calorie thanksgiving dinner menu, and it's looking good thus far. I've got the tofurky slices, (20 cal apiece is a little much for my liking, but it's better than vegan turkey loaf, that's for sure) low calorie soy whipped cream (in a can - the only *real* way to eat whipped cream), a recipe for vegan, sugar free, low calorie cranberry sauce, and now I'm working on either mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes - or some kind of lower calorie substitute - and the pumpkin pie. I'll probably steam some green beans or maybe make a salad. We'll see.

The Anorexic Chef

A delicious breakfast for the discerning, eating disordered palate:

Ingredients:

2 small strawberries (4 calories)
1/2 packet splenda (1 calorie)
2 large iceberg lettuce leaves (4 calories)
2 cups coffee (4 calories)


Procedure:

Wash strawberries thoroughly and slice off the leafy part. (preferably removing much of the actual strawberry too)
Slice remainders of the strawberries into paper-thin slices.
Sprinkle half of the packet of splenda on the strawberry slices, save the rest for later.

Tear lettuce leaves into miniscule bits. Serve on a WHITE plate. No other color will do. If you don't have one, go and buy one.

Serve coffee in a giant mug. Note: a giant mug is not required but highly recommended.

Eat the lettuce with your fingers, eating the darkest pieces first. This step should take a while.
Next, pick at the strawberry bits, savoring each "sugary" bite.

Drink the coffee at your leisure.


Calories: 13 or less, depending on how much of the strawberry you discard.

Why I Hate Your Diet (and other uplifting thoughts)

BK Secret #1: If you order a large triple whopper w/ cheese meal with diet coke, you're kidding yourself.

Anorexic Confession #1: I automatically hate and idolize anyone skinnier than me.

Anorexic Confession #2: Though admittedly hypocritical, I will resent anyone who tries to lose weight.

Anorexic Confession #3: I'll never fit into human-sized jeans. (aka "regular" or "tall" jeans)So while I truly love wearing jeans, I look like a hippo in them.

Something new

So. Welcome to a blog of aimless ramblings, humorous stories, and a whole bunch of other strange attractions.

Exhibit #1: the Incredible Shrinking Woman

That's me. Not that I'm really incredible, but I try. As for the shrinking, I'm an off and on anorexic (aka, I occasionally make half-hearted attempts at recovery, but they become more like bingefests, so I get mortified and return to the semi-sanity of restriction within a week or so.) So I guess I'm not always shrinking, but again, I try. And please don't try to discourage me. I won't "get better" until I actually want to.

Another tidbit of important information: I work at a ghetto little Burger King in a little suburban city, in a really boring state. I am a reluctant drive thru cashier, and slave to a variety of managers with questionable motives. Being a vegan, serving burgers isn't my specialty, but I do have some interesting adventures doing so. Many of which you will get to hear about.

Other than skipping meals and making fun of customers, my hobbies include talking in a British accent and wearing toe socks.